MARRIAGE BETWEEN MUSLIM MEN AND WOMEN OF PEOPLE OF BOOKS (CHRISTIAN OR JEW)
by Arif  Khan asklogic@yahoo.com.

COMMUNITY AND SOCIAL ISSUES TO CONSIDER FOR AN INTER-FAITH MARRIAGE:

Here I will discuss the issues considering social and practical implications that can generally affect an inter-faith marriage. These issues will include religious compatibility, relationships with non-Muslim relatives, friendships circle, religious celebrations and ceremonies food, social
gatherings, acceptable dress code, cultural awareness and religious tolerance, charity, volunteer activities.

RELIGIOUS COMPATIBILITY:

Given the western environment so resentful and inconsiderate toward Islam, its always better to have peace in the "home." The family life will be much worry-free and harmonious if both spouses belong to the same religion and agree on same methodology esp. if cultural differences also exist.  Islam allows a Muslim man to marry  a believing Christian or Jew woman, (Ahl-e-Kitab believers of  Holy Books) `" that is such marriages are only recommended only in an predominate Islamic society.

It is always better to introduce the woman to Islam and encourage her to become Muslima BEFORE marrying her. (preferably  one year before wedding) It will allow the woman to realize if
she can take Islam as her religion and raise her kids as Muslims; or if she has any innate negative notions against Islam or unwillingness to follow Islamic way of life. Most probably it will become self-evident to the man that what type family life can he expect from her as a wife.

RELATIVES & FRIENDS AND THEIR INFLUENCE:

Certain situations when dealing with non-Muslim relatives and friends may occur and can lead to unanticipated misunderstandings.

PERMISSIBLE (HALAAL) AND NON PERMISSIBLE (HARAAM) MATTERS IN ISLAM

A non-Muslim woman is not bounded by Islamic values regarding dressing up, mixed parties, eating non-halaal foods and consuming alcohol. She MAY avoid all such items voluntarily to make family life pleasant or as a goodwill gesture to please her Muslim husband, if he doesn't like them. Otherwise, she is under no obligation to avoid what is allowed to her by her religion.

By getting married to a non-Muslim woman, the husband should realize that he has already agreed to her being a non-Muslima and should not expect a woman to behave like Muslima if she is not one. Some instances the woman may agreed to ceremonial conversion to Islam  before marriage but it is understood between the couple that this is to make relative of the man side happy this arrangement has grave religious as well as social implication. A Muslim should expect that the family will be invited to certain parties and dinner where all non-halaal food and drink may be served. He may want to shun away from enjoying all the non-Islamic items, but the non-Muslim wife may want to consume them.

Personally I don't like participating in meals where Non-Muslim relatives and family friends say prayers in the names other than Allah at their dinner tables and show no consideration for other people. It will be difficult to make kids not to eat certain non-halaal items while the non-Muslim mother enjoys them. Again, it is upon the woman's discretion to avoid all or some of the non-permissible items in Islam.

Non-Muslim Celebrations and Ceremonies

Often the problems with non-Muslim relatives arise with the birth of a baby.  Most Christian grand-parents attempt to test the waters by giving the new-borns baptism or celebrate other religious ceremonies. In that event, unless the non-Muslim wife makes sure her side of family understands her husband's reservations about such celebrations, the situation may get tense
at such a joyful occasion and may leave bitter memories. Non-Muslim wife may not permit or consider their male child  to be circumcise which is standard practice among the Muslims.
Grandparents and other relatives may also want to celebrate (religiously) Christmas and, above all, Good Friday- a true Christian holiday commemorating the Friday of so-called Jesus' death on the cross and his rising from the dead on Sunday.

Non-Muslims friends will also invite the family on their religious events and the non-Muslim wife may want to participate and take the kids with her to such celebrations and festivities. At such instances, it may be difficult to participate in their ceremonies and esp. in telling the kids
what not eat and whom not to pray to.

If there is a death in the family, How such family member may be buried? Islamic way or Non-Islamic way or both.  It is regular occurrence in the west that in inter-faith marriage that a Muslim decease brought to Mosque by so called Inter-faith family members for funeral prayer and subsequently buried in Non-Muslim way.  What if  a child is involved  and the couple could not agreed on either arrangements are you going compromise then.? and How?  Arrangement of dual ceremony which is becoming very common in the west is very offensive to the majority of practising  Muslim.

It is major misconception among  so-called modern Muslim man that Non-Muslims are ignored about their religion and the religion is not important to them and consequently the man will have upper hand in situation dealing with children's bring up.   In practice it hardly happened, because of his lack understanding about Islam, and constant compromising in every situation in the name of tolerance he has nothing to say in this important matter.

How man can explain  his teen age children that  sex outside marriage is  grave thing to do never mind to explaining dating, seeing someone or going out with opposite. What if woman and children put forward  argument that the father was also involved in such act before his marriage.

FRIENDSHIP CIRCLE:

The family has friends from both faiths and it will be unfair that you have only Muslims friends. But sometimes certain outside non-Muslim influences in the marriage and esp. on the kids are to be avoided.

ACCEPTABLE DRESS:

Islam prescribes the dress codes for man and woman. Not many Muslim men and women, either living in secular Muslim countries or the West, today follow the dress code perfectly. However, most Muslim women still do not go around normally in sleeveless shirts, shorts or bikinis. If the Muslim man is trying to follow his religion then he will obviously prefer his wife and kids to be dressed properly. If the wife is non-Muslim then she is under no obligation to follow a strict Islamic dress code. But she may choose to dress up in proper manner again to please her husband, not to offend him and to guard her beauty from other men. But, then again, it will be her
choice which may fluctuate with her relationship with the Muslim husband.

CULTURAL VALUES:

There are certain western customs that may not be acceptable for a Muslim husband. Mixed parties usually include dancing and drinking. Hugging, kissing cheeks of male and female friends is another practise which is not permissible in. many Islam. The Muslim husband may have to clarify these issues with his non-Muslim wife.

RELIGIOUS TOLERANCE IN THE FAMILY:

If a Muslim man marries a non-Muslima, either practising Jewess or Christian (a sharaii requirement), then she probably will continue to practise her religion after the marriage. If she does, then she will demand the liberty to attend, contribute, volunteer and work for her religion.
Since, the advent of Islam in the West has caused tumult in the western religious institutions, esp. the churches and Christian seminaries, their efforts are now focusing on esp. proselytizing Muslims more than ever before. The church-going women are more prone to fall to the propaganda
against Islam by the missionaries prepared specifically to "reach out" to Muslims. The ongoing propaganda at churches depicts Muslims "persecuting" Christian minorities in Sudan, Egypt, Iran, Jordan, Pakistan, Nigeria and other Muslim countries. The religious differences, augmented under this environment, may damage the peaceful life at home.

The non-Muslim wife may want to volunteer and contribute financially to her religious institution and its activities- 10% of the income is to be given as "tithe" donations to the churches. It is usually disturbing too see your money support the exact religious institutions whose major goals now
include defaming and sabotaging the religion of Islam and converting Muslims using monetary resources in poor countries.

RAISING MUSLIM KIDS:

The foremost thing to understand here is that most of us who were raised in Islamic environment, even if it may have been a secular govt. such as in Pakistan, Egypt, Bangladesh, Turkey, Indonesia, etc. The environment and society was mostly responsible for our learning and understanding of Islam. Right from the beginning, we learned Islam in bits and pieces at home,
school, through radio, TV   and through media even through our participation is Islamic students/political parties. In combine families, the grandparents and relatives helped our parents teach Islamic values to the kids.

In the West, it is a totally different environment. In most cases, the parents are probably the only "bridge" between Islam and their kids. If only the husband is a Muslim, then that bridge is even narrower. If the father himself is not very knowledgeable in Islam and doesn't participate
in or mingle with Muslim (not social) community and activities in the West, then the kids will grow up virtually ignorant to Islam. In general, to them, Islam is a foreign religion.

A man usually doesn't have much time to spend with the kids and if the wife is non-Muslim too, then there is not much kids can learn about Islam even at home. Dressing them up in  ultural/international clothes, feeding them cultural food and taking them to Masjid once or twice a year doesn't teach them any Islamic values or religion at all. If we assume the kids will learn Islam values LATER, the question arises: From WHO?

If the kids have a non-Muslim mother and she doesn't respect Islamic dress code and eating habits, i.e. she wears shorts, skirts, bikinis and eats non-halaal food meats or drinks, then how in the world can we expect that our kids will not do the same. How difficult it will be for the husband to teach the kids to avoid these "NOT-OK" things while they're okay for their respected mother. Will he be telling them that their mother doesn't have "good" moral values?

In an inter-faith marriage, where both parents practise their respective religions, often kids are grown to be confused in religious matters. They have sympathies to both religions. But due to opposing views, they are usually unable to "make up" their mind. Most do not want to reject either religions.

If Kids are drawn by mother and father to their respective worship places and to participate in their religious activities. What would a Muslim husband tell his kids if they want to go to church on Sundays with their Mom. Similarly, what will a non-Muslim mother say to her kids, if they go to
Masjid on Fridays and on Sundays for taa'leem. The children need a single religion preached and taught to them.

Marriage is a critical decision in not only our life, but for our kids and their and our hereafter. Let's be real careful about it. m

HOLY QUR'AAN
And those who pray, "Out Lord! grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous. "[Surah 25:74]

SOME SUGGESTIONS:

THOSE ARE WHO ALREADY MARRIED

It is recommends that if a Muslim is already married to a non-Muslima, he should REMAIN married to her. He should be kind and passionate to her and facilitate her understand of true Islam. He should reflect Islam in his character and encourage her to become Muslim voluntarily before kids are born or grown up  into such marriage.  Also try to fulfill the all commandments of Allah surly but consistently.   He must be patience  make Du'a to Allah for the guidance.   He should not expect from his children to follow the Islamic commandments if he is not consistence himself.  Must keep company of  the pious and learned muslims and seek their guidance from them.

THOSE ARE WHO AREN'T MARRIED BUT COMMITTED

The best option under these circumstances is to introduce the woman to Islam and WAIT for her to accept Islam before getting married. Imposing any firm conditions of her accepting Islam before marriage will NOT do any good. Because, if a woman is willing to accept Islam merely to get married to a Muslim man that she likes, she will be most likely to leave Islam if the marriage ends up in a divorce or even if the marriage becomes unpleasant for her.  It should be desirable that a woman accepts Islam solely for the reason that she likes Islam. Any forceful acceptance of Islam is not likely to be permanent nor very suitable for a happy marriage. If the woman is not a Muslim by her own choice, then in case of divorce, she may leave Islam and be free to date and marry a non-Muslim. Her new family may ultimately decide how to raise the Muslim man's children. This situation should never be acceptable to any Muslim man.

Other Articles:

What Reliable Ulema say about the people of the books? 

Inter-marriage between Muslims and Kafirs (non-Muslims) is Prohibited  by Mufti Muhammad Taqi Usmani 

As-Sidq (The Truth) Montreal Canada, a Non-Profit Organization,  Serving Islam
http://www.as-sidq.org
info@as-sidq.org
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COMMUNITY AND SOCIAL ISSUES TO CONSIDER FOR AN INTER-FAITH MARRIAGE: